Updated: Sep 18, 2018

We need to talk.

I recently went on my friends Tinder, she let me have free reign to choose for her from the buffet of blokes but what a shock I got!

Im in a relationship so I had never even been on Tinder or as I now like to call it Hinder.

I'm sure there are decent nice guys out there but let me tell you, your profiles are NOT reflecting this.

So think of this as a PSA. (PERSONAL STOP IT ASSESSMENT)

1. If you are holding a big fish in your picture I am going to assume you are compensating for small tackle.

2. You are not here to impress your mates so your big car with those mud flaps, holding a gun and sculling a beer, in the famous words of Shania Twain "Don't impress me much"

3. If you have another girl in your profile picture, I don't have the time or emotional energy to invest in finding out about that dynamic, yes she may be a sister OR she may be an ex that still comes in and out of your life hanging on to a past emotional attachment and AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO THAT!

4. If you have more than three people in your pictures I don't have time for a game of guess who. I am going to assume you are the least attractive in the group.

5. If you use the eggplant emoji in your bio and you are not a chef I will respond with a knife emoji.

6. If you have any references to "Yeah the boyz" its a "No from the girlz"

7. If you are posing next to a chained and drugged up animal Im going to assume that this is what you are into and thats not how I like it.

8. If you are standing in front of a mirror and point a camera at it you still need to smile you look murderous

9. If you say your an entrepreneur thats a no I don't date unemployed guys

10. If you send a dick pic you best believe that its getting circulated in a group text and judged harder than a sixteen year old on The Voice.

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